It's been a while. I've been busy with life stuff. I decided to cut it down to one blog and focus less on making some money on the side with this. It didn't feel right. Today I was sick and terribly depressed. Nobody seemed to notice and usually I prefer it that way. I think I do that because it hurts less not to face the problems. It hurts less if nobody knows. I hate how people change when I explain my condition. Either they start treating me like a three legged dog and think I'm faking it for attention. I WANT people to ask me how I'm doing and keep prying until I tell them. I've kept everything inside for so long that I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I just wish someone would figure it out so I can talk about this to an actual person, not the nameless net. By reaction, I'm sure I will be very defensive and drive them away, but if the right person cares at the right time, I might find some consolation. Until then, I find the weight gaining daily. Activities as simple as eating seem a pointless burden that I wish to shake. Death seems more and more attractive these days, but suicide is never an option. Tomorrow, I have much to do, much to press through, much to hope.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The constant, overwhelming sense of loneliness is perhaps the number one sign of being a womb twin survivor. Amongst friends, family, even when having fun, you cant help but feel alone. Despite this sense of sheer solitude, I find myself seeking ways to get away from people. I can't stand large crowds or prolonged interaction without feeling a need to get away. Often, I'll make excuses just to go be by myself. I feel as if everyone else does not understand myself or other, seemingly commonplace mistakes towards me. I do my best to be considerate and maintain social interaction at an appropriate level which often leads to a facade for my social life so that I may retract mentally. I hope to cover these things in different sections later on.
Particularly with family, I am left with a deep sense of emptiness when I manage to forge myself some solitude. However, with friends, I feel a sense of relief when I get away. Returning to the family members doesn't cure the emptiness, rather it amplifies it. I feel animosity towards my family if I am forced to return to their presence before I am allowed to complete my mental gymnastics in solace. I start blaming them for all of my problems and associate my twin feelings with their actions. This was particularly present with my mother. My mother was always very stubborn and in her own world when it came to right and wrong. This sort of detraction from what I consider reality caused me to blame her for my sense of loneliness. I felt as if she drove the family apart and that any hope for a close, loving bond was destroyed by her when, in fact, it was only the loss my twin and self-induced loneliness that destroyed such hope.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Welcome to my blog. This is my first and probably last blog, but the subject is one dear to my heart. As you have probably figured out: I am a Womb Twin Survivor. For those of you who do not know what that means: I lost my twin before birth. This has many psychological effects on human relationships, emotional swings, goals an achievements, and nearly every other part of our lives. I am not a psychologist. You may consider me more of a reporter. I simply want to share my struggles to help others who are or know other WTS.
Now, why listen to me? Surely not all WTS go through what you go through. True, every individual handles it differently, but twins are biologically engineered to coexist, so the biological effects on the brain are the same for all WTS. I knew from as far back as I can remember that something major was missing from my life. Later, reaching my pubescent years, I had pinned it to a twin, and curiously, I knew my twin was female. It wasn't until several years later on a very lonely, depressed, nearly suicidal night that I typed my feelings into the Google search engine to discover what I was suffering through had a name. I read through every last scrap of information I could find about ten times before I could relax enough to sleep. I don't want anyone else to reach that point before they discover their loss.
It is my goal in this blog to spread the information I have discovered from the various articles I have found and through my inward examination of my condition. I have found that I am the perfect example for this information. Being a WTS has taken over every aspect of my life since before I knew it existed. I suffer from nearly all of the side-effects possible from being a WTS. Here, I shall chronicle my journeys in hopes of making yours more fruitful
Be sure to visit my site: http://www.yinlessyang.tk